I HATE BEING DISABLED!!!

Grief and pain are like boomerangs.

I’m not the same person I was a year ago. In twelve months I’ve changed the most I ever have, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And most of that (like 75-80%) has to do with acceptance. Acceptance that the challenges I face in life are not my fault. Acceptance that what society deems as a “flaw” is just who I am. Acceptance that I’m not going to change in some ways — and that trying to is actually making me more miserable.

(And a lot of that has to do with receiving my correct diagnoses — Which is such a privilege! (will definitely be writing a post about that later))

But even with this newfound grace for myself, I still experience massive amounts of grief, anxiety and pain regularly. And that has to do with living in a world that wasn’t designed with me in mind. Living in late stage capitalism as a disabled person. Trying to do something I want to do but just can’t.

In a lot of ways, disability sucks. And it’s important I let myself feel that.

There’s loneliness in being disabled. There’s being misunderstood, being forgotten, being ignored, being blamed, being disappointed. . . And when I let myself feel that grief and overall suckiness, I cry a heavy, empty, there’s-a-black-hole-in-my-chest sob. Usually on the floor (probably to feel more grounded). But in these difficult moments, I feel human, where before my acceptance, I felt like a monster.

I thought surely there’s something wrong with me. I must be the problem; I must be the reason I’m so depressed and angry all the time. I spent ten years of my life “trying to find the solution” when in reality, at the core of it all was my self-loathing for something that wasn’t my fault.

I guess my point is: being disabled sucks a lot sometimes. But it sucks even more when the little energy you do have is spent hating yourself because of it. And I struggle with accepting things, so I know it’s not easy — and it’s definitely not a one-and-done type of thing. It’s a daily battle, and some days will be easier and some will just fucking suck. But I promise, if you start that journey today, a year later you’ll be glad that you did.

With hope & love,

Bella (or Isabella, or Izzy, or anything else you might know me by)