Vulnerability Is A Risk

You want the truth? Well, here it is…

I’ve always wanted to be a better person a different person — like one who is willing to be bold about herself and who she is — but I never stopped to think I’d have to actually do the scary things. I kinda thought I’d just magically someday be the woman I always imagined being. Which I see now sounds completely ridiculous... But in my little kid head, it made sense. It never occurred to me that there has to be a journey to get to the destination. And then somewhere in my teenage years, I convinced myself that I couldn't ever be that woman, that I was just stuck as me, and I really didn't like me.

Someone really wise (my therapist) once told me that “living openly is a huge risk”. I wrote that part down, because it's one of those things you feel but can't put into words. And then once you do put it into words, it feels less intimidating. It's validating the fear, without losing that little spark of hope.

But here's the problem: I’ve never been one to take risks. I’ve never enjoyed the idea of gambling… The fear of losing outweighs the possibility of winning every time. I like to feel safe. Secure. And totally knowing what everything is going to be like at every step of the way. Unfortunately though, life doesn’t work like that, which is really a bummer for my autistic neurotype.

That, combined with my struggle with rejection, makes it so easy for me to never open up to more people than necessary. I'm sure a lot of people experience this but maybe feel uncomfortable talking about it. Because everyone's got hurt by someone, and sometimes if it's deep enough and/or repeated enough, you start building walls. Really high walls. And the longer time goes on, the more that wall feels impossible to take down. It's the whole "if I don’t give you the chance to know me, I don’t give you the chance to hurt me" bit.

So if we're being totally truthful here, (which is kinda what this blog is all about), then I have to say... I'm terrified. I've put off posting this for months. Because the honest truth is:

I'm afraid nobody will be interested in my story.

I'm worried my words are too redundant to make a difference.

And I'm scared as hell to show myself and truly be vulnerable.

Everyone says you just have to be "your most authentic self". But it's so hard to even know what that is. Because I can't think of a time when I didn't feel incredibly out of place. Even in the spaces that I felt the most "me", there was still something I felt, some deep rooted belief I wasn't like everybody else. That I didn't belong. So I kept changing to fit in or to get people to like me. It made me lose trust in myself and my ability to make choices. I watched little Izzy drift further away like a ship sailing beyond the horizon.

So how the fuck do you "be authentic" when doubting yourself is second nature? That's something I've been working on with my therapist. What I've learned is that our bodies react to things whether we recognize it or not. Slowing down and acknowledging what we feel (in our bodies) can help us discover how we feel (emotionally). So that's what I'm going to do. No more thinking about other people and what they’ll think and what they’ll say and how their opinion of me will change. I’ll just ask myself two questions from now on:

1. What am I feeling when I think about this?
2. Does this hurt anybody, including myself?

Even now as I'm writing this, my tummy is all swirly and some fireflies are in my chest. It's nervousness but also a lot of excitement. It feels like the start of repairing my relationship with myself. And that is really exciting.

With hope & love,
Bella (also Izzy, also Isabella, and many others)